Worst of the God Awful 2017: The Wreckoning…..of Bad Movies

By Scott Kurland

               Being a film critic has its rewards and its drawbacks. Those drawbacks being the occasional bad movie which you must sit through from beginning to end. I don’t like writing negative reviews because I know how hard it is to make a movie. I am painfully aware that many of the films that appear on this list are labors of love for the directors. With that said... these films are garbage and I have suffered through them. Why? All in the name of warning you, my dear readers. These films didn’t make this list for being works of Shakespeare; s

o please- don’t shoot the messenger if you disagree.

 Just sit back and enjoy the terrible so-called-cinema 2017 brought us.

10. The Hitman’s Bodyguard

I don’t know where they went wrong. They had Samuel L. Jackson and Ryan Reynolds; both of which were still hot off their previous roles in “Kong: Skull Island” and “Deadpool”. So how did a film about one hitman protecting another hitman go so off the rails? Because it was movie about a hitman being escorted to a court hearing. The plot is flimsy, the comedy is non-existent, and the action is lackluster. I love Reynolds and Jackson, but this film was torture to sit through- boring and unoriginal. This love letter to 90's action movies comes across more as a “Dear John” letter. Not only does it leave the genre cold, it makes us doubt Gary Oldman as a bad guy. That right there is where this film crosses the line.  

9. Life

While we’re on the subject of bad Ryan Reynolds films, lets talk about our number nine film “Life.” This “Alien” knock-off tries too hard to be inventive in re-establishing the terror of space. The cast should have been phenomenal with Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, and Rebecca Fergeson; but they’re wasted here. The biggest problem with all of these bad 2017 action movies is how boring they are. “Life” tries too hard to be gross-out scary, and its message is never fully formed. “Life” isn’t just bad- it is unoriginal, poorly written, and just another example that bad CGI aliens are very obvious when they’re shoved down your throat.

8. Justice League

I harp on the DCEU too much. After “Wonder Woman” came out, 

I assumed those days were behind me

. Then Zack Snyder made “Justice League”... and here we are. The biggest problem with Zack Snyder’s work in the DCEU is that he clearly doesn’t know the origins of any of the characters he’s depicting on screen. The Flash isn’t the Flash, Aquaman is the equivalent of an emo-bun-wearing-beef-cake, and Ben Affleck looks miserable. “Justice League” should have been “Avengers” quality great, but it is just further proof that DC needs a Kevin Feige of their own to save their cinematic universe.

7. Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

I didn’t hate this film as much as I thought I would. Don’t get me wrong, “Valerian” is rotten to the core. The chemistry of DeHaan and Delevingne could be compared to that of siblings. The story by Besson seems like a cross between a fever dream and broken English. The visuals are beautiful, but you know your films is in trouble when your best actor is Rihanna and Ethan Hawke as a space pimp. “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” is a hot mess of a guilty pleasure, but it is also a terrible-awful-no-good-very bad-flick.

6. The Circle

I hate putting anything with Tom Hanks on a worst-of list, but this YA novel turned thriller is just….honestly, I don’t know what it is. I know it is the last film for both Glenne Headly and Bill Paxton, which is heartbreaking because they both deserved better. Yet the plot of a girl who becomes a spokesperson for a google-like organization, only to lose herself is, well... it’s crap. This entire movie is crap. No one knows right from wrong, even when they say they do, they truly don’t. “The Circle” is a bad adaptation of an even worse book. Avoid it at all costs.

5. Alien: Covenant

Here’s another bad “Alien” knock off….and it’s part of the “Alien” franchise. What is it with these bad sci-fi movies having unmemorable characters? The you can see the twists in “Alien: Covenant” coming a mile away. Never did I imagine they would sink so low. Michael Fassbender couldn’t even save this film and I love everything Fassbender had done up until this point. Ridley Scott is living in the past, trying too hard to re-live his glory days. Thank God Warner Brothers didn’t let him get his hands on “Blade Runner 2049.” I hated “Alien: Covenant” more than I thought humanly possible.

4. The Mummy

Tom Cruise, why? Why are you wasting your time with trying to be part of the “Dark Universe”? “The Mummy” is on a lot, if not all of the critics "Worst Of" lists. I know a movie is truly bad when I’m rooting for the villain over the hero. Cruise is not the right man for this role, especially when his character has little to no redeemable qualities. I’m pretty sure the plot is trying to rip off “An American Werewolf in London;” to the point that they cast Jake Johnson in the Griffin Dunne role. I never thought I’d see they day where I’d long for Brendan Fraser to come back to “The Mummy” franchise, but here we are. This one tomb that should have remained buried.

3. Sandy Wexler

Let me make one thing clear, I have been going to the movies since I was four. I have never once walked out of a movie- not once. With that said, Adam Sandler’s “Sandy Wexler” was so awful that I turned it off seven-and-a-half minutes into watching it. For me, that is the equivalent of storming out of a movie theater. “Sandy Wexler” is proof that Netflix has an agenda that we will never be privy to. They make a fortune with Adam Sandler movies and I don’t know why. We get the same Sandler tropes in these films and I am confident in my belief that I didn’t need to watch the entire film to know how will end. Sandler shockingly gets the girl after being such a lovable fool. I just wish he’d go back to making dramas and dramedies.

2. The Space Between Us

Here’s a movie that had been delayed six times in 2016 before being swept under the rug in February of 2017. I didn’t understand why it kept getting pushed back. It looked harmless enough...and then I saw it. Here's a film that takes a ridiculous plot about a boy born on Mars and makes that one plot point believable because what follows is pure insanity. Asa Butterfield is socially awkward, and gives a performance that could destroy his career. Britt Robertson is a talented actress, but she keeps getting screwed over by Hollywood. Her show “Girlboss” was prematurely cancelled, and what we’re left with is this movie. I thought this would be number one on my "Worst Of" list when I sat in the theater. Never had my eyes rolled more into the back of my head head than they did as I watched the two leads float in mid air, kiss, and actually state the title of the film TO THE CAMERA!! Talk about poor writing and crappy delivery! This film is bad, but not as bad as our number one film.

THE WORST FILM OF 2017 IS…..

1. Boss Baby

 I know people will ask me why I didn’t put “The Emoji Movie” on this list. Its because I didn’t see it, and this film is the reason why. “Boss Baby” is the worst film ever. The story is pure fluff, the characters are monsters, and they wasted Alec Baldwin! HOW DARE THEY?! I have been waiting all year to make this list and put this diaper wearing nightmare at number one. I hated every moment of this movie. I hated the animation, the story... EVERYTHING ! To quote my hero Roger Ebert: I hated this film. I hated it, I hated it, oh how I despise this movie! If I never come across this film ever again I can die happy. Shame on the Hollywood foreign press for nominating it for the Golden Globe. 

Goodbye to all the bad movies 2017 brought. Hello to whatever dreck 2018 is dragging in!

scott kurland1 Comment