“Alien: Covenant” A Face Hugger of Disappointment

By Scott Kurland

Film: Alien Covenant

Starring: Michael Fassbender, Katherine Waterston, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride, Demian Bichir, and Carmen Ejogo

Rated R

Director: Ridley Scott

SPOILER ALERT: This review is filled with spoilers, all spoilers, and nothing but the spoilers. This film is awful and must be destroyed. You’ve been warned.

“Alien”... will you look at yourself? You were once great film series. Now, you're a disgrace. To quote Samuel L. Jackson from “Jackie Brown;” ‘ You used to be magnificent.’ Where did you go wrong? It wasn’t “Aliens” because Cameron did a fantastic job. “Alien 3” is not great, but the director’s cut is pretty fantastic. “Alien: Resurrection” paved the way for “Firefly” because of Joss Whedon’s excellent script, so we can rule it out. “Alien vs Predator” doesn’t count because, let's be honest, no one thought those films would be good! Sooooo, The problem must lie within Ridley Scott's “Prometheus,” a film for which I wrote a decent review. This week’s film is Scott’s failed attempt to head back to the well of creativity, AKA “Alien: Covenant.” Let’s find out how bad it is shall we?

“Alien: Covenant,” is a sequel to “Prometheus” and prequel to “Alien.” A team aboard the USS Covenant is on a mission to head to a new Earth-like planet for the sake of exploration and, eventually, colonization. We find the members of the USS Covenant in their "hiber-sleep pods" when they get hit by an electrical storm….IN SPACE!! Their on- ship android Walter (Michael Fassbender) is forced to reawaken the crew in order to fix the damage. Sadly, their captain (James Franco….IN THE MOST UNECESSARY CAMEO EVER) dies upon awakening. Well, he doesn’t die so much as he catches on fire and somehow sleeps through his demise. Now in control, the religious Oram

(Billy Crudup)

makes a rash decision to head to a planet that hasn’t yet been vetted for discovery, with no contact to the team on Earth that's funding the mission. Once on this new planet, the crew quickly discovers they are not alone. David (Fassbender…again), from “Prometheus” is there with a nefarious plan to make a new breed of creatures that will replace man….xenomorphs.

This film is hot garbage, and completely re-writes all the origins from the original series. Patton Oswalt does an excellent bit about the terrible “Star Wars” prequels where he says: “I DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE THINGS I LOVE COME FROM!!!” That’s exactly how I feel about this film. Ridley Scott said he was trying to make up for “Prometheus”. What did he say he was going to do? Make a new “Alien” movie. What did he actually do? “Prometheus 2.” David is once again the villain. He wants to make a race of alien's that, like him, will live forever. He is the creator of the xenomorphs. WHAT THE HELL MAN?!?!? I was fine with Fassbender in the first film as David. I was fine with Fassbender as Walter the new android who is more like Bishop from “Aliens.” I’m not cool with them together because they have this weird story-line where David tries to make Walter like himself. That scene was interesting... until they ruined it by making David a creeper and a sociopath.

Oddly enough, Fassbender gives the only good performance. Danny McBride is wasted, as are Crudup and Waterston. No one looks happy to be in this film, and the only compliment I can give is how pretty it looks. There’s just so many holes in this film. The black goo from “Prometheus” is now air born and can create an alien through any open orifice on your body. Yes that’s terrifying. But why aren’t these scientist/astronauts/explorers wearing space suits? Even in “Prometheus,” when they set foot on new land, they’re in full space gear. You know... so nothing contaminates them and slowly rips them apart! The writing is lazy, and Scott’s cocky ambition to return to “Alien” only leads to disappointment. 

“Alien: Covenant” like “Prometheus” did well the first weekend, but is now bombing horribly. I think that’s because no one cares where this amazing franchise began. Sure, Fassbender gives an amazing performance. Other than that, this film is D.O.A. Be like the rest of America and skip this one. There’s better films coming out this summer.