The Worst Of The God Awful 2016: The Top 10 Worst Films
By Scott Kurland
Critically speaking, this has been one of the worst years for films. Financially, 2016 provided studios with a great profit. I have sat through terrible film after terrible film. I must truly love you dear reader because I watched a lot of crap. I’ve watched DC lose more and more fan respect. Disney had a stellar year, apart from one redheaded-stepchild of a film that almost ruined their hot streak. It amazes me that there’s so many fantastic films on the Blacklist screenplay website that aren’t getting made and yet we find ourselves buying tickets to films such as the ones found on this list. Without further ado, here’s the top ten clunkers Hollywood tried to bamboozle you with.
10. Collateral Beauty
Will Smith’s mean-spirited holiday film would seem like Frank Capra’s worst nightmare. What should have been a routine feel-good family film turned out to be one of the most uncomfortable viewing experience I've had to sit through all year. The cast looks miserable, the screenplay is awful, and the surprising twists are the biggest load of horse-crap Hollywood has ever tried to shove down an audience’s throat. This is Smith’s lowest opening and grossing film to date. “Collateral Beauty” proves another thing that I didn’t think was possible….Helen Mirren was wasted in a film. I know, I’m just as shocked as you are. I had high hopes for this film. I prayed this would be a modern “It’s A Wonderful Life”, and instead I was served a Hallmark movie. This movie is the perfect amount of disappointment to start this list.
You can read my full review for "Collateral Beauty" right here.
9. Bridget Jones’ BabyThis is another mean-spirited film based on a great film with a bad sequel and a second bad sequel to go with it. In "Bridget Jones' Baby", jokes about giving birth are disastrously lumped together with jokes about being forty and dying. This film also marks Renee Zellweger's return to acting after a seven year gap. Zellweger and Firth are ok, but this film is such a mess. The story is cliched. It also begs the question: how many times do we need to see a Bridget Jones love triangle? Initially, I thought the film’s opening was clever with the death of a beloved character. But sadly, it cops out and brings him back at the end. The writing is lazy, the jokes are unfunny, and if I heard one more dead-mom-and-baby joke I was going to vomit. Please Universal, stop making Bridget Jones movies.
8. The BronzeI hate when a film tries to use nudity to get people into theaters. knowing we’ll see an actor we love naked does not, and will never, make up for a bad movie. All I knew going in to see “The Bronze” was two things. One, Melissa Rauch's character would not in any way resemble Bernadette from “The Big Bang Theory.” And two, she had a crazy sex scene in the movie. The story centers around a Bronze metal winning Olympic gymnast, played by Rauch as she comes to grips with her fading celebrity. This film feels like one of those “Bad Santa” or “Bad Moms” movies. We’ll give you an unlikable character make them likable. Don't worry though, they'll remain monsters at the end so you won’t feel like anything has changed. “The Bronze” did ok at Sundance, but failed at the box office. I’m glad it did, because this is a perplexingly bad movie. If you want to see this movie you can, but I recommend saving yourself from this clunker.
7. The Angry Birds MovieMan, Sony was doing good for a time in the animation department…until they made “The Angry Birds Movie”. This was just a routine, unfunny film. Animation had come so far, and then this movie was released. This is what a bad CGI movie looks like. It also doesn't help that there’s only big name voicing a character for a paycheck. The plot is so predicable, the voice acting is phoned in, and this some of the worst animation I have ever seen. This just proves that when you base a movie after a video game (or phone app in this case), something is lost in translation. If your kids dragged you to see this, I’m sorry. “The Angry Birds Movie” earns its number seven spot on this list.
6. Alice Through The Looking GlassEven when they’re on a hot streak, Disney manages to sneak in a stinker. I down right loathed this film because this isn’t “Alice Through The Looking Glass”. I honestly don’t know what this movie is, besides being a mess. This is one of the only times I have watched a Disney film and was like: "did the writer just turn our hero into the villain?" We get a clear answer to that question, but the real truth to this movie is that it's the latest victim (or culprit, depending how you look at it) of bad marketing. From the trailers, you think Sacha Baron Cohen’s character "Time" is going to kill the Mad Hatter and Alice needs to stop him. No, not even close. Alice is our films villain as she steals a time-travel device to and accidentally causes more problems than she solves. It’s ok though, because she’s our Alice. The first “Alice In Wonderland” was alright; not great, but not terrible either. That film was “Through The Looking Glass.” I have no idea what this sequel was supposed to be. This film is upsetting to say the least, and just another example of Hollywood cashing in on a moderately successful film that no one really asked for in the first place.
5. Whiskey Tango FoxtrotI had to decide whether to put this film on the list, or “Batman VS. Superman: Dawn Of Justice”. I picked “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot,” “Batman VS. Superman” at least had Ben Affleck as a really great Batman. “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” has nothing. No Affleck, no Batman; just a crappy war comedy starring Tina Fey in an unfunny performance. “Whiskey Tango Foxtrot” is supposed to be the story of how one journalist became successful in her coverage of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. That is not the story I saw. I got more over- the-hill-40-something-women jokes that will degrade and neglect their intended female audience. Margot Robbie and Martin Freeman are wasted, and poor Tina Fey looks miserable in every frame. If you want to see a woman secretly screaming through a smile, then watch Tina Fey’s performance. We have had too many war films, not to mention a plethora of journalist films. This film is just another reason why we need to pick and chose which war films to make.
4. The ForestI saw “The Forest” last January, and the bad taste it left in my mouth carried on throughout the year. I have never been more annoyed with a horror film the way I was with “The Forest”. I didn’t care for the twin sister lost in the suicide forest. I hated the cliched guide-isn’t-whom-he seems-to-be storyline. Finally: WHY ARE WE DRAGGING JAPAN THROUGH THE MUD? Every time a studio makes a PG-13 horror flick, it’s Japan that they focus on. A Japanese ghost is plaguing a rural mid-west family or some poor schlub watches a video tape and will die in 7 days. Why are we destroying Japanese culture? Japan has given us some wonderful things like Hayao Miyazaki, Akira, and the backdrop for Sofia Coppola’s “Lost In Translation.” Why is Hollywood obsessed with degrading Japan by making the heartbreaking suicide forest a villainous antagonist? “The Forest” wastes too many opportunities, the genre is wrong, the script is laughable, and poor Natalie Dormer is wasting her talents on this drivel.
3. SnowdenI usually love biopics, but Oliver Stone’s “dramatization” of the events of Edward Snowden and the NSA are agonizing and trying. Oliver Stone is so eager to get to the bottom of a conspiracy that he misses the big picture. The days of Oliver Stone are over. We’re no longer in the 80s & 90s. We don’t need another “Wall Street” or “The Doors”. Oliver Stone needs to stop wasting his energy on dramas. Maybe Stone should start making documentaries like Herzog and Demme have done in the past when they couldn’t find successful narratives to direct. Poor Joseph Gordon-Levitt is wasted, Nicolas Cage is a blip on the screen, and never have I lost interest in a story like I have here. “Snowden” was delayed over and over again for the past two years. Now, after seeing this film, I know why. “Snowden” is the first film that will lead us to the finish line of this God-awful list.
2. Office Christmas PartyI hate when great comedic actors are wasted in bad movies. Jason Bateman and Jennifer Aniston are two tremendous actors that get trapped in terrible romantic comedy and/or gross sex romps. I don’t know why it continues to happen for them, but they can do better. “Office Christmas Party” came out only a few weeks ago, but the stench of failure drips off of every frame of this nightmare picture. I am tired of stories where an underdog company saves the day and secures the jobs of people who don’t deserve to keep their jobs. I shouldn’t be rooting for the company to fail like I did with this film. I can’t believe that I’m saying this because I never thought the day would come, but “Office Christmas Party” has the honor of being the first film ever to not make me laugh or smile once. “Office Christmas Party” is a disaster and I despise this film with a passion. However, it is not the number one worst film of 2016.
AND THE POOR SCHMOE TO BE NAMED THE WORST OF 2016 IS….
1. Suicide Squad
Will Smith bookends this "worst-of" list with DC films’ worst reviewed film to date (and keep in mind they made “Superman Returns). What should have been a great action comic book movie is instead executed like a failed pilot for the SyFy channel. “Suicide Squad” takes great villains from Batman’s rogue gallery, sprinkles in villains of “The Flash” & “Firestorm,” and then ruins them completely. Margot Robbie is the only good thing as Harley Quinn, while Jared Leto is the worst Joker to ever don the purple pants (and I’m including Caesar Romero). Leto takes the world’s scariest villain and makes him a one-note punchline. I hated this movie so much. I went into the film with high hopes, and director David Ayer bashed those dreams apart with Harley’s baseball bat. “Suicide Squad” is the worst film of 2016, and quite possibly the worst comic book film since “Steele”. The cast is wasted here, especially Will Smith. Smith is so miscast as Deadshot that it isn't even funny to think about. Smith should have been cast as John Stewart, the Green Lantern. Smith isn’t a villain. If he were to hold Gotham ransom, I’d just say: “give him the money, it’s Will Smith." In theory, “Suicide Squad” is a good idea, but David Ayer is too gritty to be making comic book movies. Sorry “Suicide Squad," you are the worst of the God Awful for 2016.