“We’ll Never Have Paris”.... And Thank God For That

By Scott Kurland
Film: We’ll Never Have Paris
Starring: Simon Helberg, Melanie Lynskey, Maggie Grace, Alfred Molina, and Zachary Quinto
Rated: R
Directors: Simon Helberg and Jocelyn Towne


        I have written about the rise and fall of “Orion Pictures” a few times before. I also went into detail about how they were my favorite movie studio of the 80s and early part of the 90s. This was a great studio responsible for some of the greatest films of all time. I’m talking about “Arthur”, “Amadeus”, “The Purple Rose Of Cairo”, “The Three Amigos”, and “Silence of the Lambs”, pretty impressive right? However, like all good things their reign came to an end in the late 90s with “Music From Another Room” and “Ulee’s Gold”. The end of this studio broke my heart, or was it the end? In 2014 Orion pictures was resurrected, but sadly they’ve only released garbage like this week’s film “We’ll Never Have Paris”.

      “We’ll Never Have Paris” is unfortunately based on a true story about “The Big Bang Theory’s” Simon Helberg love life. In this film he plays a version of himself renamed Quinn. Quinn has been with his girlfriend Devon (Melanie Lynskey) for almost ten years. When it comes time for Quinn to propose to her he finds out his friend Kelsey (Maggie Grace) is in love with him. So, instead of staying true and asking the woman of his dreams to marry him, he breaks up with her for Kelsey, only to find out KELSEY IS CRAZY!!!! So Quinn chases Devon to Paris to win her back, only to learn she’s grown as a person. Not only has she grown, but she is seeing a charming French pianist named Guillaume (Ebon Moss-Bachrach). Will Quinn win her back? 

      This is the most unlikeable film I have ever seen in my life, and keep in mind I have watched a lot of films. What I find most off putting about this film is the following three things. 1.)This is based on the true story of when Simon “Wolowitz” Helberg dumped his now wife in order to see other people. 2.) His co-director of this film is his wife so she has to live through it  over again. 3.) There is no likable character in this film, none at all....maybe Zachary Quinto as the goofy best friend but that’s it. We have three leads and they’re all awful people.

       I understand that they are trying to show realism and the complexities of human nature, but I firmly believe that only works in thriller, action films, and some dramas. In comedies you want your lead to be a lovable slacker or a scrappy underdog, and in some case we want the hot artsy girl who doesn’t know she’s hot. Helberg’s Quinn is quite possibly the most selfish human being on the face of the earth. He is so willing to throw ten years of a relationship down the drain. He gets the hot blond only to treat her like human garbage, and is shocked when he finds out Devon moved on. In a normal movie the lead is stuck with a terrible girlfriend and when the best friend tells him, she’s in love with him they end up together, the end (cue “The Gin Blossoms” as credits roll). Here, Helberg’s Quinn gets Kelsey, treats her poorly, and then destroy’s Devon’s life and forces her into marriage you know...like a monster. Yes, our lead turns out to in fact be the villain of this film. Yet, know who is also the villain? The women he’s in love with. This film should just be called “Horrible, Terrible, Disgusting People,” yes they’re all the worst types of humans.

        Normally, I love both Maggie Grace and Melanie Lynskey, but I couldn’t stand them this time around. Grace was way too needy and self destructive as Kelsey. She was in fact beautiful, but she was also just really damaged. This isn’t a dream girl, this is a woman in desperate need of psychiatric care. Grace was wonderful in “The Jane Austen Book Club” and on “Lost”, but that was almost half a decade ago. She has to start playing more adult roles instead of these lost girl-women. I think that’s why I liked her in the “Taken” franchise because she became so strong in those films. 

       As for Lynskey, normally I love her in everything from “Heavenly Creatures” to “The Informant,” but as Devon she’s kind of cold and distant. I couldn’t root for her either. The entire film she seems unlikable, and when Lynskey tries to convey pain it’s comes across as a half hearted performance. Everyone in this film seems like they don’t want to be in it, especially Lynskey.

       My main issue with this film is that it tries too hard to be a Woody Allen/Wes Anderson Hybrid, but what it ends up being is a headache. Helberg and Towne try to tell their meet cute messy love story, but it’s just a nightmare. The fact that all this insanity was true and he put her through this says one thing, he’s sadistic and she must practice masochism to an unhealthy level. I appreciate the effort, but this film paints such a negative image of relationships. One more thing to add to the list is this, they try to cover the plot holes with French alternative rock covers of 1960s British invasion pop songs it’s ridiculous. I’m not saying this is a bad film, I’m saying it’s the worst film I’ve seen on relationship since Doug Ellin and David Schwimmer’s “Kissing A Fool” . Trust me, saying your films is the worst thing since “Kissing A Fool” is like receiving the kiss of death from Don Corleone and Luca Brasi. 

     “We’ll Never Have Paris” is a forgettable, dull, and painfully unfunny film full of despicable people saying unoriginal and pointless dialogue. It is one thing to have a conversation about lust and wanting, because most of the time it is sincere, heartfelt, and clever. Yet, that’s not what we’re given. What we hear are pretentious self entitled rich thirty somethings complaining because they are too privileged to have the love they want. “We’ll Never Have Paris” is the worst film of 2015, and it might be the most upsetting film I have ever watched. This film is available OnDemand and in select theaters, but do yourself a favor and skip it. This might be the film to destroy my beloved Orion Pictures all over again.

Review Rating: F
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